Help your child identify emotions. Helping kids label and identify their emotions is a first step towards giving them emotional control. You can help your child learn to identify and label emotions by offering suggestions that normalize the experience, such as "Many kids feel a bit nervous about the first day of school. It can be hard not knowing what to expect, but remember what a great first day you had last year? I am looking forward to hearing all about your day when you get home!" Games such as Moody Monsters and Feelings in Bloom Bingo are fun ways to engage kids in learning about emotions. Make a feelings chart by drawing blank faces on large poster board and writing an emotion word (ex. sad, angry, happy, shy, embarrassed, worried, bored, etc) and have your child draw in what each feeling looks like for them. Books like, The Way I Feel by Janan Cain, are also excellent for helping young children learn about emotional identification.
Don't minimize your child's emotional experience. Emotions themselves aren't the problem. Allowing your child to express their emotions - the good, the bad and the ugly - is imperative to helping your child be an emotionally healthy individual. We can say no to any negative behaviors that manifest from the emotions, but allowing kids to experience their emotions lets them know that feelings are not taboo. When a child experiences emotional dysregulation, it is because he or she does not have the verbal capacity to discuss the feelings behind the behavior. That is where your job as the parent comes in - it is up to you to identify and validate the emotions, while encouraging problem solving. For example, "I know you are feeling frustrated that you didn't win your baseball game. It's okay to feel that way, but it's not okay to throw your bat. Let's come up with a plan for me to help you improve your batting skills."
Don't minimize your child's emotional experience. Emotions themselves aren't the problem. Allowing your child to express their emotions - the good, the bad and the ugly - is imperative to helping your child be an emotionally healthy individual. We can say no to any negative behaviors that manifest from the emotions, but allowing kids to experience their emotions lets them know that feelings are not taboo. When a child experiences emotional dysregulation, it is because he or she does not have the verbal capacity to discuss the feelings behind the behavior. That is where your job as the parent comes in - it is up to you to identify and validate the emotions, while encouraging problem solving. For example, "I know you are feeling frustrated that you didn't win your baseball game. It's okay to feel that way, but it's not okay to throw your bat. Let's come up with a plan for me to help you improve your batting skills."
Model healthy emotional expression. Suppress the urge to throw an adult tantrum of yelling, cursing and getting uncontrollably angry in front of your children. Children learn emotional regulation from the adults in their lives. Demonstrate mindful responding versus impulsive reacting by using respectful words, a controlled voice and problem solving directives. Know when you need to take a break from frustrating situations. Children will pick up and imitate your emotional responses.
Come up with coping strategies. Engage your child in some brain storming to discuss what activites he/she finds calming. Activities can range in energy level and can include quiet activities like coloring, listening to soothing music, hugging a stuffed animal, making a craft, or playing a video game, to more energy externalizing activities like running around the back yard, bouncing a ball, dancing wildly to loud music or jumping rope. Make a list of coping strategies - or create a picture list for non-readers - to keep in a visible area. Teach your children to recognize their emotions by noting them, i.e., "It looks like this game is getting frustrating to you, why don't you pick something off your list to do for awhile and come back to play the game a little bit later?" For smaller children, keep a basket of "cool down" activities in an accessible area for instant access.
Practice coping strategies. Practice makes perfect. Child or adult, common coping skills such a deep breathing or meditation rarely work in the midst of a significanf emotional experience if it isn't a skill that has been practiced. I often equate calming coping skills, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, counting to 10, and meditation, to a performance. Very rarely can someone go out on the field or take the stage without hours and hours of practice and rehearsal. This holds true for coping skills as well. Practicing coping skills daily, in moments of calm, makes them more effective to use when needed. Set aside a minimum of 5 minutes a day to help your child practice some self-soothing skills.
Don't re-direct in the moments of a melt down. When your child is in the midst of a big emotional experience, reminding him of his calming skills is most likely going to fall on deaf ears. Children are never reasonable in the midst of a melt down. Your best bet is to allow the experience to happen, and only limiting behaviors that may be harmful to the child or others around him. If a melt down occurs in a public place, you can move your child to a more socially acceptable area, but remain with the child. Sending a child on his own for a "time out" only sends that message that he is alone in his experience. Remain nearby and wait it out. When your child is in a calmer state, validate their experience and help them identify more positive ways to handle those feelings in the future.
Come up with coping strategies. Engage your child in some brain storming to discuss what activites he/she finds calming. Activities can range in energy level and can include quiet activities like coloring, listening to soothing music, hugging a stuffed animal, making a craft, or playing a video game, to more energy externalizing activities like running around the back yard, bouncing a ball, dancing wildly to loud music or jumping rope. Make a list of coping strategies - or create a picture list for non-readers - to keep in a visible area. Teach your children to recognize their emotions by noting them, i.e., "It looks like this game is getting frustrating to you, why don't you pick something off your list to do for awhile and come back to play the game a little bit later?" For smaller children, keep a basket of "cool down" activities in an accessible area for instant access.
Practice coping strategies. Practice makes perfect. Child or adult, common coping skills such a deep breathing or meditation rarely work in the midst of a significanf emotional experience if it isn't a skill that has been practiced. I often equate calming coping skills, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, counting to 10, and meditation, to a performance. Very rarely can someone go out on the field or take the stage without hours and hours of practice and rehearsal. This holds true for coping skills as well. Practicing coping skills daily, in moments of calm, makes them more effective to use when needed. Set aside a minimum of 5 minutes a day to help your child practice some self-soothing skills.
Don't re-direct in the moments of a melt down. When your child is in the midst of a big emotional experience, reminding him of his calming skills is most likely going to fall on deaf ears. Children are never reasonable in the midst of a melt down. Your best bet is to allow the experience to happen, and only limiting behaviors that may be harmful to the child or others around him. If a melt down occurs in a public place, you can move your child to a more socially acceptable area, but remain with the child. Sending a child on his own for a "time out" only sends that message that he is alone in his experience. Remain nearby and wait it out. When your child is in a calmer state, validate their experience and help them identify more positive ways to handle those feelings in the future.
Recognize and acknowledge positive emotional expression. Identifying undesirable behaviors is easy, but acknowledging desirable behaviors is beneficial. When your child demonstrates positive emotional regulation, verbal acknowledgments go a long way and is a positive way to reinforce desirable behaviors. So the next time your kid keeps his cool in a frustrating situation, let him know that you noticed and appreciated his calm approach.
Emotional regulation is a process, but with patience, guidance, encouragement and appropriate modeling of positive emotional management, your child will soon successfully learn how to deal with big feelings on his own!
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